Loudly I thought to myself "God, how do I find myself here again and again"

Today like yesterday all i need is my ipod, a coffee and a pen. Found comfort in the little things like myself and your hands. I was making sure i didn't let anyone get to close but you slipped past my radar and had me on my knees. If you come back to me i will keep my insanity to a low boil. I feel like my own skin is caving in on me, I feel so fucking sick. I was so scared that night you couldn't make it, we both lost sleep and i couldn't figure out why i was acting like that. I had been feeling low. I don't know how to talk or ask for help or anything really.. How do you win a war when your the only one fighting.. I wanted to throw up the white flag so badly, but she sat on my sofa and listening and i decided to try alittle harder. I had learnt to turn it all off, hide it under books and blankets. Until is consumed and became more me then me, I can feel the change and they can see it im sure im going fucking crazy. THIS is eating me from the inside out and i don't know how to control it. I don't know how to explain that this problem has nothing to do with them or her or him so i just mean and sadder. My boots are broken, Im clumsy and generally unmotivated. Walking dead, half asleep but mostly drunk. It's thinking positively Vs. Knowing negatively. I dreamt i washed up on a beach, sand in my hair, not wearing shoes. Filled my lungs. Striving for a unreachable perfection, staying up all night but i still don't know what im running from, Im going to wake up and be 50 years old with a unnecessary chip on my shoulder and maybe then i will start acting like a real human being again. hollyy fuck. It's just so fucking stupid and i feel stupid for getting like this, and i don't expect them to stick around but it;s fine because i would rather be alone anyway. Your right, Im going to run, Because your right, That is what i have always done and will always do. Your right. I hate it.